Let’s start with me…
I am a highly sensitive person with a strong empathetic personality. I think this is a combination of two things that brought me to this place: one- coming from a fucked up childhood and being demonstrated codependent relationships. And two- this is a spiritual life gift. The ability to be an empath allows us to feel others pain and use our ability to nurture and love to breathe life into this other person’s or being’s painful/broken situation. The gift of empathy is to be used to heal others and to use our intuitiveness to lead us along the way. Our ability to be vulnerable allows us to connect to others. The downside of being an empath and codependent is boundaries. Our innate need to help others is so strong that we identify with it and we will go to any lengths to fix broken things and beings, so much so, we will risk our own safety and needs. We put others before us and take the back seat just to make this person happy and take away their pain. In the end we end up drained, beaten and bruised as we have given too much of ourselves. We no longer have anything left within ourselves to help others because we didn’t set boundaries and gave too much.
You are a narcissist. Narcissists have deep voids of self love. They seek validation from others. They leach onto other people’s goodness to fill that void. They wear masks in the beginning, showing this wholesome loving human. From the outside the narcissist is handsome, has life figured out, shows safety and stability. This is why they have so many friends around them, but only show a very small part of themselves to the world around them. Narcissist suck empaths into their world to fill that void. They prey (sometimes unconsciously) on the kindhearted of gentle souls as they can see their lack of boundaries and deep love. Only a very few close to them can see the real human behind the mask. They are master manipulators, they twist words and situations to reflect themselves in a more positive light. A narcissist’s need to control the world around them is so intense that it consumes their mind and keeps them awake at night. They will go to great lengths to hide this self-loving void from their peers so they control the room like a master conductor. The reality is though, their feelings of inadequacy consumes them and controls their every move. A narcissist will do whatever is necessary to get a temporary fix in filling this void even costing them their jobs, relationships and much more. If a narcissist’s void gets too deep they go into a panic and start reaching for straws to fill up their tank to a more comfortable level. A narcissist is numb, has great control over their emotions.
It’s no wonder how we ended up together. Two wounded souls met. We fit like a glove. Your void and my empathy and codependency was a monster match made in heaven. The pieces of the puzzle fit. It worked. We worked, until we didn’t. Until my tank of empathy ran dry and your void well went too deep. I had nothing left and was left depleted of my own self worth and you needed more more more. You reached for straws, you reached for drugs, alcohol and girls. You couldn’t stand feeling like your well was running dry so you panicked. You didn’t mean to hurt me along the way, you just were doing all you could to fill your tank up.
Speaking for myself, I can’t live like this anymore. And to be honest the dynamic of our relationship has been playing on repeat through all of my significant relationships. It wasn’t until you, until now, that I was able to see this fucked up cycle. I knew there was a cycle being repeated, just wasn’t able to pin point what exactly what was happening.